Confirmation.

I guess I need to preface this before I go into what I'm actually talking about...

There was a time this summer that I was intensely reconsidering my return to Grove City this fall as a sophomore. Why? Many reasons. For one, I am continually brought down by financial burdens. I struggle with trusting God with my money [I'm a blockhead.], and seeing my debt increase so consistently puts a knot in my stomach and tears in my eyes. Furthermore, I felt like I'd built up some sort of intolerance to the school itself. I've become more and more aware of all the things I dislike about this place. I sometimes sense a lack of passion and truthfulness permeating the culture here. [I still consider this a viable truth.]

So, all that said, I was seriously looking into other options and seeking God's answer to my cries for guidance.

He answered me. [So crazy, and so cool.] One night at camp, I inexplicably had an answer to the question that I was to return to school and continue my education here. I knew God had led me through this period of questioning for a reason - He is bringing change. The purpose of all the confusion in my mind was to reevaluate my position at school, in the world, and in my walk with God. This has been a constant reminder of my need to throw off all that is of me and wholeheartedly leap into the will of God.

So here I am, in room 223 of Lincoln Hall, back at school. Oh, and the confirmation that deserved a spot in the title? I was asked to speak at the freshman Sunrise Service, where all freshman, RAs, and OB members will be in attendance, plus some extras I'm sure. It is my prayer that God will humble me and use me to speak His truth into their lives - to use my experiences to encourage others to fall deeply in love with the Lord and throw themselves deeply into His plan.

"Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand" (Jeremiah 18:6)

Conformity.

"Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind..."

Romans 12:2 -- A common verse heard in sermons, retreats, devotionals -- certainly a true one.

Do I actually grasp it, though?

Where do I draw the line? It's harder than I realize to know the difference between conformity and just living my life on this third rock from the sun. I often fear that I have conformed to the world's patterns without even realizing it. I've become desensitized to things that should have a significnt effect on me - words, actions, lifestyles, et cetera.

So how can I know the difference? I should be "in the word and not of it." Not of this world.

The more the Lord teaches me, the more I question things that once seemed harmless. Is it okay for me to even watch television? To listen to secular music? To watch the latest blockbuster? I know people that have fallen away from the Lord, and what started their backsliding was making excuses to allow themselves to take part in this stuff. First is self-indulgence, then desensitization, and thus conformity. It's "just sex," "just the human body," "just words," "just a drink."

Then there's the argument that these things affect people differently. That sounds like an excuse, too. Underage drinking because they're "mature enough." Swearing because it "doesn't bother" them. Allowing something inappropriate "for art's sake."

Lots of questions.

What it comes down to is my own walk with the Lord. Being in the word - seeking God's will (to be transformed) over my own hedonistic pursuits (being conformed).

No Mistakes.

Life is so often a mystery.

I tend to be insatiable when it comes to life's questions. "Why can't there just be an answer? Why is this happening? Why would God let that happen?"

On Saturday morning, I was at the funeral of a good friend's father. He passed away unexpectedly at 51 years old. It was an emotional morning for everyone. Understandably so. The priest spoke, and it was great to get a more clear picture of who this man really was. His brother and best friend also spoke about his life's accomplishments, and how he has impacted the community and changed the lives of numerous individuals.

His wife also spoke, accompanied by their three daughters. Her words were beautiful and inspiring. She relayed her thanks for the outpouring of support with cards, emails, flowers, visits, meals, etc. Later, she said how she never got to say goodbye to her husband of almost thirty years. It was an intensely surreal moment. Just after that, though, she continued with "In God's world, there are no mistakes." What a beautiful picture of trust. Here is a woman grieving the loss of her husband, and the words from her mouth convey nothing but trust in God.

I feel like this is something God has been teaching me lately. Trusting Him amidst the world's harsh realities.

I can't say I've been a good follower, but I've come to realize that walking with the Lord does not guarantee me anything in this world. Yes, God is sovereign and His love is unending - He wants nothing more than to see me walk in His ways, and I strive to do that daily. But, for some reason, a relationship with God connotes happiness, and I don't know if that's true.

I say this with the idea that joy and happiness are two separate things. May it be that the Christian life requires more suffering than we want to admit? There is no doubt in my mind that God is incomprehensibly good, and that He is the one to be praised for the countless blessings in my life. I do have much to be thankful for, and I'm certainly not depressed or experiencing doubt. I recognize that life has its ups and downs, its triumphs and failures. I just feel like there is a general feeling in the Christian world that the storm clouds clear when your life is captivated by Christ.

I guess my main point is that God is so far beyond our comprehension. My view of life is so minute and clouded by my worldly perceptions that raise questions that I think I need answers to, but really I do not. He is in control, and all I can do is seek Him more - give Him more - love Him more.

Still, I ask - does hope always mean happiness?

"No one ever said it would be easy; He only said I'd never go alone."

Embracing Accusation - Shane & Shane / John Piper

I Asked the Lord

I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith and love and every grace
Might more of His salvaion know
And seek more earnestly His face

'Twas He who taught me thus to pray
And He I trust has answered prayer
But it as been in such a way
As almost drove me to despair

I hoped that in some favored hour
At once He'd answer my request
And by His love's constraining power
Subdue my sins and give me rest

Instead of this He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart
And let the angry power of Hell
Assault my soul in every part

Yea, more with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Cast out my feelings, laid me low

"Lord, why is this?" I trembling cried
"Wilt Thou pursue thy worm to death?"
"'Tis in this way," the Lord replied,
"I answer prayer for grace and faith"

"These inward trials I employ
From self and pride to set thee free
And break thy schemes of earthly joy
That thou mayest seek thy all in me."


"That thou mayest seek thy all in me."

- John Newton